I feel tired and old. The years are pressing on me. All l thirty-three of them are weighing heavily on me, all the twists and turns of a life spent merely existing, hiding. I have regrets. Fear drowns hope with exaggerated faults. Could have, would have… should have… didn’t. I know I’m still young, but I can’t deny I am also old. My prime child-bearing years have passed; that damn clock mimics my heartbeat, and with every passing month, mocks me when I bleed. The wheel turns once more, and I am still here, distracting myself from that clock as best I can.
1. what makes you feel most alive?
Breathing. Sex with my love, and the afterglow. Seeing a really beautiful thing/happening, something that evokes that sense of exhiliration.
2.describe your best kiss.
The soft, slow warm kiss with arms wrapped around each other, and looking up to see your lover’s eyes full of that mixture of sweet love and deep lust.
3.can you love someone without loving yourself?
Sometimes. But I think that sort of love has a very short shelf life. Better to learn to love yourself first, and then worry about finding your counterpart.
4.what’s your favorite physical possession?
Having lost most of my possessions this last year, I have to say the sentimental things. The old birthday cards made by my mum, the calendar from my older brother three years ago, the tissue paper flower from my youngest nephew for Mother’s Day, the fairy picture my oldest sister gave me some years ago, the leather and bead bracelet my older sister made me, the tiny pic of my younger brother taken with the Game Boy camera we used to have. I had to leave the rose vases my love sent me, but I remember them. ❤
5.do you think you live in the past, present, or future?
Present, with heavy past influences that I try my damnedest not to let dictate the future.
6.do you prefer dating someone you’ve known for a long time, or have met recently?
I’ve never been on a date. Lol But I’d have to say the first one.
7.complete the sentence: “in a perfect world…”
In a perfect world, one would need never to utter the words “in a perfect world”.
8.could you enjoy sex without committing emotionally?
I think I could. But why would I?
9.what’s your earliest memory?
My dad holding a toddler me, taking me around our dining room to turn the light button (not switches, buttons AND THEY WERE COOL) on and off. It’s a good memory, and the only conscious one I have of him.
10.what’s something you’ll never understand about the opposite sex?
This question has become difficult for me to answer since growing up and becoming aware of the LGBTQ communities. I find myself thinking of this question in terms of other human differences, and there are lots of thing I’ll never understand about other people. For instance, how can one rape someone? How can a person commit that act, and never once think that it might be wrong or horrific? I’ll never understand that mindset.
11.how do you define the concept of a soul?
Awareness of self and others’ mortality, wants, and needs. Awareness of being a single entity within a group.
“I think, therefore I am.”
“I see you, and I feel your pain.”
“What about me?”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.”
12.on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your appearance?
Seven. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m not ugly.
13.how would you define your sense of humor?
Childish, crude, dirty, punny, dry, intelligent. It’s a mix.
14.if someone were to serenade you to win you over, what song would they sing?
15.are you more concerned with taste or calories when you eat?
Taste. It’s always taste.
16.how do you decide when to let go of something?
It’s usually about survival.
17.do you believe in fate?
Most often not. But I have seen things that defy that.
18.if you could tell something to an ex, what would you say?
I don’t have an ex. Lol But to the one that came closest, maybe I’d say “thank you”.
19.what does the third text in your inbox say?
Which inbox? Ha. It’s a fab.com email: Custom Clothing, Creative Furniture, Choose Your Own Adventure, Xonex Art Supplies…
20.what are five things that make you cry?
b. Sad things
c. Emotional Pain
d. Physical Pain, if it’s bad enough
21.have you ever considered suicide?
Yeah, but I couldn’t do it. It was my own personal cowardice, and childish thinking, that made me even consider it. I say “cowardice”, but I know it was also that little spark of life that burns inside, that contrary and indignant piece of me that raised it’s head and said “NO. FUCKING. WAY.” that stubbornly keeps me going.
22.does the end justify the means?
No, is what I used to tell myself when I was younger and the world was seen in black and white. But now that I’ve grown up, I’ve realized there are at least one or two ends that do justify the means. We don’t live in a pretty world, and I’ve come to accept that ugly fact.
23.what was the last dream you can remember about?
It’s really hazy. Something about my best online friend, and some weird place, and cutting my hair. Or maybe those are separate dreams, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to not remember my dreams.
24.would you be more hurt by a partner having an emotional affair or a physical affair?
Emotional. But the physical would ramp up my ocd tendencies and germ phobia. And then there’d be hell to pay.
25.do you think your astrological sign suits you?
26.what’s something a person should know before dating you?
I’m a mess. Lol
27.do you believe in life after death?
I think there’s something like that. I won’t be surprised if there isn’t though. 😀
28.what historical period would you most like to live in?
Unfortunately, this one.
29.do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Depends on my mood.
30.what kind of drunk are you?
I’ve never been drunk.
31.what’s a trait that you hate in a person?
32.if you could sleep with any fictional character, who would you do?
Sleep. Hog the covers. Drool a little.
33.which of your five senses could you live without?
Scent. My nose is too damn sensitive to the point where when I ignore the olfactory onslaught so intensely I can’t smell anything at all. I have difficulty finding that happy medium.
34.how has your taste in music changed in the past years?
It hasn’t, it’s just broadened. As it should. 🙂
35.what’s your favorite fairy tale?
I’m not big on fairy tales. Not since learning what they’re really about. Cannibalism, rape, torture, kidnapping, murder, imprisonment? No, thank you.
36.are looks important in a relationship?
To a degree. We are a highly-visual species that is supposedly highly-evolved. Let’s try to not hate anyone based on their appearance, ok?
37.which parent are you more like?
Mum is who I grew up with, so Mum, I suppose.
38.do you prefer to fuck or make love?
Aren’t you a nosy little bastard?
39.were you to have children, what would you name them?
I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll have my own kids. I’m getting old and my patience is being worn away by the one child I do have. God knows I love the little bugger, but omg he’s defiant and contrary! Lol
40.in general, do you prefer to ask or get asked?
What kind of candyass q is this?
Life has stopped being a journey and has become a race — one with the prize of eternal bliss if only we work hard enough to reach the finish line. But our lives aren’t a race and happiness isn’t some end goal off in the distance — it’s right here and right now! It’s a choice that we make based on gratitude for the things we have — not the things we think we will eventually get.
… It’s being okay with doing the things that you enjoy as much as you enjoy them — instead of thinking that their worth comes when you have mastered them (or made a profit from them). Happiness is realizing all that you could be in certain areas and then being okay if you aren’t. Happiness is acceptance — of yourself, of your life, and the people around you.
Read more: Be Happy Right Now